I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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