I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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