I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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