That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
