Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
