My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize