My liver just broke up with me...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
