i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
