I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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