i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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