plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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