Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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