We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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