I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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