I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
