Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
