My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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