apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
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