im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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