Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
