They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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