You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
