I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
