I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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