just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize