Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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