apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i came on her dog
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
