Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
