I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Every concussion has its silver lining
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
