Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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