i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
