Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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