i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
