The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
