Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
