I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
