We got so high we made milksteak
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
