On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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