I hope mine doesn't look like that
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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