If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
