Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
