I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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