First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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