in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
