she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
