just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
