I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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