AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize