i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
