there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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