Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
