he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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