i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize