dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
