Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
