Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
