Cold hands, warm shart.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
