I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
