dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
