Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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