my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
