Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
