his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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