I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
