you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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