How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this will be a night to untag.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
